The Yorkies' Regular Features

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Monday, September 29, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Hidden features in the BMO Field expansion plans

"WAS"

Phase One: "How interesting!" Phase Two: "Look at that roof!" Phase Three: "Say what in the whatnow? Aww nuts." Yes, in the words of a guy who used to work around these parts - "get used to it." BMO Field is being expanded into a 30,000-seat, gleaming Euro-style stadium suitable for an ambitious MLS club with visions of grandeur... and then a CFL team. Enjoy! However, it's not all bad news Toronto FC fans - there are some great hidden features that you may have missed in those architectural diagrams...

11. A touching memorial to real grass

10. High tech attendance counters that only read "SOLD OUT"

9. Luxury Hawk Box

8. ButtyBuffet

7. Tiger-Cats and Columbus Crew fans now fully interchangeable!

6. New GO Station access that guarantees you only miss your train by 30 seconds every time

5. Plenty of bandwagon parking

4. A monument to the brave, wealthy, fat white men who made this all possible

3. Handy permanent gridiron lines help soccer fans know exactly how many yards it is to goal!

2. Hilarious novelty trophy case

1. Football replaced with football

Saturday, September 27, 2014

AFTER 90: In the year 2019


On the heels of MLSE's momentous BMO Field expansion announcement earlier this week, we thought we'd treat you dear reader to a glimpse into the future. The future you say? Yes - the future. All the way to the year 2019.

Using science and stuff. Math we guess? Sure... math. We bring you this match report as Toronto Ford Motors FC host Portland Timbers on September 27, 2019 in a crucial match as TFMFC strive for their first ever playoff appearance. To the future action!

TORONTO FORD MOTORS FC VS. 
PORTLAND TIMBERS
MICHAEL CLEMONS FIELD at FORD PLACE

1' - A blustery day. The canopy over our usual Sokoloff Lawyers Present The South Stand has once again failed to keep the rain out jamming the folding metal benches that make up our removable Tim Hortons' Supporters Family Fun Zone Section. We have been relocated to the East Side Mario's East Side Stand upper level. Not too shabby considering the reasonable $350.00 ticket face price per match.
5' - Slow start for The Reds under new first-time manager Danny Koevermans installed last week after Terry Dunfield's reign came to an end after 5 tumultuous weeks.
12' - Jermain Defoe goes close in his first game back with TFMFC. The 36-year old of course left in 2014 to sign with QPR. After further stints with West Ham, Bournemouth, Portsmouth and Barnet, Defoe returns and claims to be fully committed.
18' - A moment of silence for "Butchy the Hawk" after last week's unfortunate laser incident.
21' - These $18 Becel Presents Chip Buttys aren't too shabby.
25' - Six-year veteran Dominic Oduro tries to run onto a pass but continues to run through the empty Clearasil Completely Clear North Plaza (preserved for CFL end zones) and crashes head first into the Food Building.
31' - A roar of excitement as Mayor Mikey Ford is shown on the scoreboard.
37' - Portland's 30-goal scorer Maxi Urruti looking dangerous.
38' - Portland's 40-goal scorer Gilberto looking dangerous.
44' - Captain Nick Hagglund warned after arguing disallowed goal with Head of MLS Referees Dave Gantar.
45'- Match halted as stadium's primary tenant the Toronto Argonauts run onto field and proceed to give wedgies to the soccer players until they leave the playing area. Match called off and Portland are given the 3 points in default thus eliminating TFMFC from the 30-team MLS Playoffs once again.

FULL TIME:
TORONTO ARGONAUTS 21
HALIFAX ROUGH RIDERS 27

Thursday, September 25, 2014

THE MATCHUP: Momentum before it was cool


TORONTO VS. PORTLAND
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN 4

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Craft Brew Cup"

FACTS* AND STATS**
TORONTO FC
- Splinters: The Timbers-related injury Defoe is likely to pick up
- "Mo": What you can't spell momentum without
- 3: The phase of BMO Field expansion where it all goes wrong
- "Day-To-Day": Current listed condition of the TFC bandwagon
- If TFC can beat Portland they move to 2nd in Cascadia Cup standings

PORTLAND TIMBERS
- 30: Average waist in inches of Timbers supporter skinny jeans
- Portland mascot Timber Joey and his log have been detained by Canada Border Services on a number of logging charges
- Will Johnson and Michael Bradley are set to have the league's greatest tantrum battle
- Portland defender Pa Modou Kay has won the prestigious "MLS Player Who Sounds Like a Star Wars Character" trophy
- Despite the result, Portland Timbers are in a can't lose situation as they would simply tell their fans that a loss to TFC would be "ironic"

*Possibly
**Maybe

Monday, September 22, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Chivas USA rebrands


Well that's it Toronto FC supporters. Our long, heated rivalry with Chivas USA is likely over. The next time we see them - whether that is in 2015 or beyond - they will likely have a new name, look and philosophy. The idea to have a satellite Chivas Guadalajara in Los Angeles was not a bright idea from the beginning, akin to TFC having been branded Toronto Arsenals or something to that effect. So as The Goats stumble off into the MLS sunset, we want to offer as a parting gift, 11 great rebranding ideas for this never-storied club...

11. Club UnAmerica

10. The UnderaChivas

9. Goatafe

8. Inglewood Californian Thistle

7. Santos Laguna's Little Helper

6. SeeYaCaliFranchiseThatExistedWithoutFocus 
(aka Real Mary Poppins)

5. Clippers FC

4. FC Zenit San Andreas

3. The Mighty Dukla of Anaheim

2. Olympitacos

1. Los Hobos

Friday, September 19, 2014

THE MATCHUP/AFTER 90: Adios


TORONTO FC VS. CHIVAS USA
BMO FIELD - SUNDAY 3PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

In solidarity with the dozens of fans of Chivas USA who likely face at least one full season without a club, we will honour our Goat enthusiast friends this weekend by doing what Major League Soccer will do to them. We are going on:

HIATUS

Monday, September 15, 2014

THE STARTING 11: TFC coach employment perks


Let's face it - if Toronto FC coaches were wild animals, they'd occupy the endangered species list somewhere between pandas and unicorns. Since the club's inception, a wide array of motley crews (not Motley Crue cuz that would be awesome) have patrolled the sidelines under a number of different managers. Some were experienced veterans of the game, some were as green as they come... some got the job for PR and only recently departed. Ahem. Either way, it's a tough track suit to put on but there are some terrific perks to the job that keep those resumes coming in!

11. You get to live in Bitchy the Hawk's box rent-free for 2 whole weeks!

10. There are millions of dollars in MLSE non-disclosure agreement funds to be had upon your inevitable sacking

9. Mark Bloom is your personal butler

8. The minimum level of success expected: better than Jim Brennan

7. Always the chance that one day the coaches' bench will get picked to get free promotional pizza slices at halftime!

6. One day Jermain Defoe may talk to you!

5. Zero experience no detriment to professional advancement

4. A solid 8 months job security

3. "It's a nice little job for you to learn stuff by"

2. Medical, dental, butty

1. A 1 in 5 chance that you're the next manager

Saturday, September 13, 2014

AFTER 90: Five Minutes of Madness

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK

Absolutely lifeless for 85 minutes.







Then this guy...














Then this guy...
















Ugly.
Resurrected.
Robbed.

CHICAGO 1 - TORONTO 1

Thursday, September 11, 2014

THE MATCHUP: No Days Off

"2015? Anyone? Anyone?"

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Save Ferris Charity Match"

FACTS* AND STATS**
CHICAGO FIRE
"Les jeux sont faits. Translation: The game is up. Your ass is mine." is Mike Magee's favourite bit of banter in the tunnel before a match.
- It is German Heritage Night at Toyota Park on Saturday. Security will be on high alert to stop attempts by suburban teens who aim to illegally join the halftime parade.
- "Like Dirty Harry": How Jeff Larentowicz models his game.
- The Toyota Park PA system is equipped with a high-end synthesizer that has over 50 different pre-loaded coughing and barfing sound effects.
- Angry Fire supporters, disappointed with a lacklustre season, have threatened to reverse a 1961 Ferrari off of the stadium's upper deck.
- "Abe Froman's Sausages" have won the 2015 Toyota Park concessions license from local French caterer "Chez Quis" whose staff were deemed "snooty" and/or "snotty" by Fire supporters.
"You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go." - Frank Yallop to Greg Vanney post-match after commiserating on TFC's playoff hopes.

TORONTO FC
- "Soft": The best description for Gummi Bears that have been sitting in your pocket all day and/or the Toronto FC defence.
- "SAVE NELLIE" has yet to appear on a single Toronto-area water tower.
- TFC's sub-par scouting department spent 8 months attempting to sign a "Danke Schoen" who they thought was a potential German DP striker.
- "Voodoo Economics": The financial plan being put in place at MLSE to attempt the sale of 2015 TFC season tickets.
- "Anyone? Anyone?": The answer to the question of "Who is this new TFC assistant coach?"
- "Ed": The only Rooney likely to sign for TFC anytime soon.
- "Enough": How many Days Off Jermain Defoe has had.


*Possibly
**Maybe

Monday, September 8, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Other things that Ryan Nelsen did to anger Tim Bezbatchenko


It just wouldn't be a season with Toronto FC without a high profile sacking. We've regularly said goodbye to managers, coaches, GM's, presidents and now even a Brennan! While the firing of Ryan Nelsen wasn't an utter shock, the timing did catch many by surprise. However, it seems like tension between the manager and the general manager Tim Bezbatchenko had been bubbling for a while. Perhaps it wasn't just football-related problems that brought things to a head though - possibly a whole host of Nellie issues that got under TBez's skin...

11. He's too tall to be trusted

10. For a Kiwi, his Lord of The Rings knowledge was average at best

9. Didn't even take the time to introduce him to the dreamy Younes Kaboul during the Spurs friendly

8. Refused to play keytar in his garage band "The Cap Wonkz"

7. After Tim Leiweke announced he was leaving MLSE, Nelsen was way to slow in referring to him as "Prezbatchenko"

6. Never learned to speak English

5. Nelsen failed to unleash the potential of Reggie Lambe

4. Couldn't get him Crocodile Dundee's phone number

3. Claims that Nelsen is a raging Anti-Badge-ite

2. Wouldn't tell him the location of "Old Zealand"

1. Tired of hearing "Teem Bizbeechinkeh"

Saturday, September 6, 2014

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Philadelphia... Or The Only Bump I See Is That Think You Call A Defence, Amirite?



Last night was as close to what a hurricane must look like as I've ever seen in person.  Brutally hot and humid,  torrential rain and a light show that Benson & Hedges would've been proud of.  Today is gorgeous... partly cloudy, cool breeze, high of 22C.  Perfect environment for football.

I said nothing about it needing to be good.

If the idea of a win under a new manager is a theory, consider the theory smashed to bits and the forensics team laughed and said "this could be anything, but I don't have that kind of time".  It kinda feels like watching a break-up over Facebook : He goes radio silence, stays off the grid.  Meanwhile she's going to that Lithuanian restaurant that she kept going on about trying, taking up kayaking with an instructor by the name of "Storm", wearing a new dress and going out - all cries for attention of "Look at me!  See, I never needed you.  You were just holding me back!"

Except she was nearly hospitalized by the bad cepelinai, "Storm" isn't a licensed instructor and that dress was see-through under black light.

It's been a disaster, and the disaster continued this afternoon at the Rebound Ground a.k.a. BMO Field.

7' - GOAL - Wrestler Big Show's brother Conor Casey a.k.a. Medium Show, gets on the end of a cross and heads it over a leaping Bendik.
Fig 1. Two guys I wouldn't want to meet in an alley for a fight

ROBINS 0, ONION 1

27'- YELLOW - Henry for stuff.  Likely deserved it.

43' - GOAL Wenger pops it over Bendik in another cross and header thing.  I'm pretty sure that's Philadelphia's only move.
ROBINS 0, ONION 2

43' - SUB - Bekker in for Warner

Half Time mood : thank God that's done with...

68' - SUB - Jackson on for DeRo

77' - SUB - Creavalle comes on for Hagglund.

4 minutes of far too much extra time

Full Time : TORONTO 0, PHILADELPHIA 2

Man of the Match : Gilberto because naming it Bendik is too easy and as a lack of talent before us, he's trying to be the leader,  at least emotionally.

Goat of the Game : raise your hand if you were a defender today.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Maybe because Toronto is kinda bad, it's hard to focus on officiating blunders so they get a pass.

Kit Spotting : Vera Cruz Tiburones Rojos from Mexico and a newer Luton Town kit even though I truly love the idea of a programme vendor wearing a fake kit.

I Am Not the Gaffer But...  : if I were I'd be ordering take out in Bezbatchenko's office and drafting up a strategy.

In Case You PVR'd It : if you like watching mediocre efforts resulting in lots of woodwork smashing, skip the first half and have your finger on  the fast forward button for the second

I'm having a hard time deciding if Bradley is having a nightmare, playing well without the help, frustrated or just terrible.  All outcomes are very plausible... When Maurice Edu touches the ball,  why don't we chant "T.O. Success Story"?... I'm waiting to see Konopka start due to a Bendik injury of a strained vocal chord. Lots of hot tea with lemon and honey I suspect for the copious amount of yelling he must do each match... This slide could not come at a better time as season ticket renewals aren't that far off... Such a nice day at the park. (see, I can say something nice)...  Little shout out to the Red Patch Boy living in Victoria who listens to the Vocal Minority Podcast, thanks for listening homie... I wonder if our tenth manager will finally be "the one".  Often...  Mr. Caldwell, I hope your recovery is going well.  Please do not come back until you are 100%. The thought of you being out longer makes me very sad... Seriously Philly, you've had your turn with Le Toux long enough.  Time to share... Anyone hear if O'Dea is doing well?...  Do other Toronto sports have open discussion post-match on public transit or is this a TFC phenomenon. Interesting theory regarding Leiweke's departure on the GO Train that I hadn't heard: it's focused on the failure of not acquiring the Bills plus Defoe wanted out.  Also suggested that MLS sunk the loan and/or sale of Defoe because it would make the club and league look bad.

Player Ratings : Bendik 8, Hagglund 4.5 [Creavalle N/A] , Orr 5, Henry 5.5, Bloom 5, De Rosario 6 [Jackson N/A], Warner 6 [Bekker 6], Bradley 6, Oduro 6, Moore 6, Gilberto 6.5

 Fig 2. How to get other players to stop making fun of your kit sponsor.