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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

THE MATCHUP: "Canada - F#@! Yeah!"

Rush - "O Canada" with 5 minute drum solo

TORONTO FC (6th) VS. HOUSTON (10th)
 
BMO Field - Saturday 7PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO & PACIFIC ---RADIO: THE FAN590
 
After a tough night last Saturday for TFC supporters, the Reds' faithful are due for a good time. Having to fight through a war zone city only to witness one of the most lifeless matches this season, the fans will want a big Canada Day win. At the very least, the BMO Field crowd won't have to cross riot police and running street battles to reach the match as the G20 Summit is a distant, expensive memory.
 
Actually, the G20 and Toronto FC's front office are quite similar. They both meet behind closed doors and only emerge for photo ops. They both have heavy handed security forces to stare down (or worse) the very people who pay their wages. And, neither of them ever accomplishes much. But we digress.... Hey! Turn that frown upside down - the underperforming Houston Dynamo are in town! It's Canada Day - let's celebrate syrup, The Littlest Hobo and Rush! If TFC can't get pumped up and get 3 points from that - take away their passports.
 
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Flag Wavio"
 
TEXAN CANADIANS: Andre Hainault D, Pat Onstad GK, Adrian Serioux D
CANADIAN CANADIANS: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Julian de Guzman MF, Nana Attakora D
 
THE ODDS:
- Fake vuvuzela noises replaced with patriotic Bob & Doug "Koo-roo-koo-koo's": 2-1
- BMO Field security to "box in" shirtless supporters in the rain for five hours: 5-1
- Adrian Serioux to go "all predator" on Mo Johnston's ass: 3-1
- Prime Minister Harper to stop by at halftime and hand Mayor Miller a giant, deserved cheque to Toronto to cover the G20 damages: 8000-1
 
WHO ARE YA?
- "Bitchy" the BMO Field hawk to be replaced by patriotic beaver on a hang glider
- In honour of the Queen's visit to Canada, teams to play exact replica of recent England vs. Algeria World Cup match
- Houston and Canada goalkeeper Pat Onstad will be celebrating his 63rd birthday this weekend
- Maxim Usanov will be outside BMO Field punching all non-Canadians in the head for charity
 
CANADIAN PEAMEAL BACON SAYS: 1-0 Toronto
SPICY TEX-MEX SAYS: 2-1 Houston
HEADLINE: "TFC LETS OFF POST GAME FIREWORKS - TORONTONIANS RUN FOR COVER"

2 comments:

  1. The idea of Usanov randomly punching people NEVER gets old. He better punch someone soon before he gets discovered by a Vietnamese 2nd division side and leaves!

    ReplyDelete
  2. There's a voice, that keeps on callin' me...

    ReplyDelete