LETTERS FROM CAMP: Media Day feat. Nelly feat. Supplemental (Pat Onstad Remix)

"I'll be there in February so bloody relax!"

Maybe it's getting to sound like a broken record or too much like a Kevin Payne Appreciation Society, but the low-key (in comparison with last year) TFC Media Day was refreshing. If there is one thing this club has excelled at since 2007 it is promoting circuses over bread. Perhaps putting efforts behind, oh, you know, preparing the club to play... over a flashy dog-and-pony show is a good sign.

 

Just for larfs, the club decided to schedule their Northern Belles' debutante ball at the same time as the MLS Supplemental Draft. They must be renting microphones and want to cut down on pressers. Fiscal cliff and all that. Or they like to watch the local media top out their pay-as-you-go phone cards. Either way, shiggles.
 
With the winteriest of winter days hearkening back to Winter a year ago (the man not the season) the club tried to put its best new foot forward amidst difficult questions. The Reds' staff and players prepared their finest clichés and Ryan Nelsen continued to max out his British Airways air miles points by being here live and in person. Here are a few highlights from Kiwi's Playhouse - some real, maybe some less real. And by less real, we mean probably not real. And by probably we mean maybe absolutely likely. But hey.. maybe!

 

RYAN NELSEN: Started the day by killing 50% of the criticism over his hire by announcing that he will be joining TFC full-time on February 1st; Sadly did not refer to it as "Business Time"; Asked why he joined TFC: "... the set-up, the owners, the fans - everything"; still deciding if he will rap battle the other Nelly under the moniker "The Hiphopopotomous" or "The Ryhmenocerous"

 

DANNY CALIFF: Pronounced that he was happy to leave the "circus-like" atmosphere of Chivas USA thus making TFC less circus-like than another team for the first time ever; plans to intimidate opponents with in-your-face sideburns

 

ERIC HASSLI: Asked if he was happy in Toronto and answered ".......................... yeah." Resounding! Uh huh. Later proclaimed with Gallic flourish that he is "happy and did not ask to be traded"; did most of his interviews wearing Daft Punk robot mask

 

RICHARD ECKERSLEY: Looked like a fit version of Coronation Street's "Chesney"; Stressed the need to "get the team spirit right"; may have damaged the online feed due to red balance

 

LOGAN EMORY: Disappointingly did not spend off-season growing back "The Screech"; Admitted that TFC "needed upgrades all over the field but happy that "Payne has taken the reigns"; intimidated by Danny Califf's in-your-face sideburns

 

ANDREW WIEDEMAN: Claimed he re-signed because "the club is doing good things"; Made solo drive to Toronto from California - no word if it was due to lack of volunteers; refused to proclaim the American Interstate as the best motorway in the modern era

 

JEREMY HALL: Admitted that "Ryan (Nelsen) is showing us how to defend"; Glad to see the back of Freddy Hall as there "can be only one"

 

REGGIE LAMBE: In mid-season form as he starts interview with "Didn't want to get out of bed. Had to." #passion

 

QUILLAN ROBERTS: Dude has a crazy deep voice! Deep tenor rumbles about being the 3rd keeper; Ended interview with "remember that time I scored on England?" mic drop

 

STEFAN FREI: Told everyone the good news "I feel 100%" and "the ankle is holding up real nice"; more importantly added "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!" So Swiss.

 

EMERY WELSHMAN: Seriously, we love this kid. A TFC supporter living the dream: "I love Toronto. I'm home". Pulling for him.

 

LUIS SILVA: Spent winter in Germany and was overwhelmed by the passion for the game; Still looks like a young Freddie Mercury; No further plans to brawl in bars

 

So there you have it, or sort of sometimes don't have it. Lay off us truth junkies... it's like a witch's tit today. If you'd like to follow the factual (booooo-ring) interviews, be sure to watch the frosted coating of Toronto FC TV (here) I warn you though... not much in the way of italics.

 

THE SUPPLEMENTALIST

As the media day interviews were taking place, TFC execs were busy picking over the leftover bits from SuperDraft Dinner in the MLS Supplemental Draft. The Reds used all of their selections to pick four guys who you will likely never see at BMO Field. The new additions are Jamaican-Canadian forward Ashton Bennett; American midfielder Jose Gomez; New Zealandish (go figure) midfielder Nik Robson; and, English forward Taylor Morgan. Good luck United Nations of Other Dudes... you will need it.

 

UPWARDS AND ONSTAD

A bit of other news that TFC thought they needed to add to the smorgasbord of info today was the official announcement confirming former Canadian international Pat Onstad as Chief Scout and Manager of Football Partnerships. The latter is possibly some kind of online dating thing. The Chief Scout title is a solid move as it is an area where TFC needs major re-structuring and one that as been lacking professionalism for a very long time. All apologies of course to the fine people at the Rio Hilton who used to take such good care of Mo Johnston annually.