"Okay, seven of you need to get the hell out of here"
SIXual Healing has long passed - and rather unerotically. The pain of 2012 has been replaced with the Payne of 2013 and TFC's Seventh Deadly Season. With a new regime of shining lights, wrapped together with red threads and more maple leaves than Algonquin Park, come a host of new players. Gone are the heady days of Soolsmen, Zavariseses and Dicoys only to be replaced by a paper-thin group of hungry youngsters. And Julio Cesar. BREAKING: Now with 70% more Robert Earnshaw!
With a mere 48 hours to go before your Eff Cee's kick a ball in anger, here is a handy A(gbossoumonde) to Z(stupid Zavarise - thanks a lot) guide to the club. Chock full of hard-hitting investigative journalism, fascinating statistics* and shocking facts* (*not necessarily statistical) (* not really factual), we urge you to print up this list, stick it to your fridge or above your toilet and see how many of these lads are here in October.
#6 GALE AGBOSSOUMONDE - D
NATION: USA / Togo
SHOCKING FACT*: Full name is Gale Kosse Mawugbe Randy Agbossoumonde Jr.
PREDICTION: Making TFC kit customizers crazy rich
#8 KYLE BEKKER - M
NICKNAME: "K-Bekks", "The Presto Kid"
SHOCKING FACT*: Modelled his game on David Beckham and hair on Brek Shea
PREDICTION: Practicing keepie-uppies on the GO Train
#12 JOE BENDIK - GK
NICKNAME: "Like Beckham"
SHOCKING FACT*: Demanded trade from Portland Timbers due to plaid phobia
PREDICTION: Getting e-mail alerts on Stefan Frei injuries
#17 JUSTIN BRAUN - F
SHOCKING FACT*: Left Impact last year under cloud of poutine-addiction rumours
PREDICTION: Not being the quicker-picker-upper needed around goal
#3 DANNY CALIFF - D
SHOCKING FACT*: Was voted "Most likely to resemble rockabilly serial killer" in junior high
PREDICTION: Red cards. Lots and lots of red cards.
#55 JULIO CESAR - M
NICKNAME: "Not That Julio Cesar", "The Midfield Emperor"
SHOCKING FACT*: Went out for his first Halloween dressed up as "Otis Nixon on Steroids"
PREDICTION: Changing facial expressions between "gleeful grin" to "murderous rage" in remarkably short timeframe
#23 TERRY DUNFIELD - M
SHOCKING FACT*: Played the Archangel Gabriel in TFC's Nativity play
PREDICTION: Sued by The Ultimate Warrior for unlicensed use of sock tassels
#-- ROBERT EARNSHAW - F
NICKNAME: "The Real Welshman"
SHOCKING FACT: Always arrives late for things
#27 RICHARD ECKERSLEY - D
NICKNAME: "Ecks", "GingaNinja"
SHOCKING FACT*: The carpet disturbingly matches the curtains
PREDICTION: Will get a tan in new TFC home strip and become the league's first completely monochrome player
#2 LOGAN EMORY - D
SHOCKING FACT*: His three dream dinner guests include Dustin Diamond, Art Garfunkle and Marouane Fellaini
PREDICTION: Lathering. Rinsing. Repeating.
#31 HOGAN EPHRAIM - M
NICKNAME: "The Raisinballs" (courtesy of @the_ironsheik), "Hogan Hero"
SHOCKING FACT*: Father was a massive WWF fan. Mother was a massive Crocodile Dundee fan. Compromise.
PREDICTION: At least 30% better than Alen Stevanovic
#24 STEFAN FREI - GK
NICKNAME: "The Goalblerone"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has 8 out of 10 stamps on his Toronto General Hospital Customer Card. Two more and the next surgery is free.
PREDICTION: Will transition from hard protective mask to Mexican wrestling mask
#25 JEREMY HALL - D
SHOCKING FACT*: Nearly 64% of his teammates know his name
PREDICTION: Making us all go "hmmm?"
#4 DONEIL HENRY - D
NICKNAME: "D'oh Henry"
SHOCKING FACT*: Favourite animal is a giraffe running on ice
PREDICTION: Spending another year as "one for the future"
#14 DANNY KOEVERMANS - F
SHOCKING FACT*: Demanded that his ACL wound be insulated with raw pancake batter
PREDICTION: Will return to form in September; score 10 goals in 7 matches; slip in the shower
#19 REGGIE LAMBE - M
SHOCKING FACT*: Claims that his footballing skills were lost during flight over the Bermuda Triangle
PREDICTION: Dramatically improving to become a 1 in 5 match player
#5 ASHTONE MORGAN - D
NICKNAME: "#NastyLeftBack", "Future Captain Morgan"
SHOCKING FACT*: Refuses to talk to rookie Taylor Morgan
PREDICTION: Being expected to do too much
#28 - TAYLOR MORGAN - F
NICKNAME: "#NastyLeftFront", "Morgan Tallchild"
SHOCKING FACT*: Mother hails from Southampton, England - father is an antelope.
PREDICTION: Giggling himself to sleep at night that he was drafted by the only team in the league without a striker
#48 - DARREN O'DEA - D
NATION: Republic of Ireland
NICKNAME: "General D'OD", "The Shamrock Shaker"
SHOCKING FACT*: O'Dea and Danny Califf were just voted as MLSsoccer.com's "Centreback Duo Most Likely to End Up on Trial 2013"
PREDICTION: Making TFC TV sound like episodes of "Father Ted"
# -- JONATHAN OSORIO - M
NICKNAME: "J Ro", "Der"
SHOCKING FACT*: Had to flee Uruguayan playing stint last year after "XXX Montevideo" scandal
PREDICTION: Making appreciative and humble cheque cashing motions after scoring 1st goal
#40 QUILLAN ROBERTS - GK
SHOCKING FACT*: Lists Seal's third full studio album "Human Being" as the single most important influence on his playing career
PREDICTION: Walking over to TFC strikers... telling them about the time he scored against England... dropping the mic
#11 LUIS SILVA - M
SHOCKING FACT*: Winner of the 2004 Southern California Junior Dramatics Society's "Best Newcomer in a Musical or Comedy" for his role as a young Freddie Mercury in the community play "Radio Ga-Ga"
PREDICTION: Staying out of Texas bars / not returning Nick Soolsma's texts
#15 MATT STINSON - M
SHOCKING FACT*: ESPN.com's MLS preview rated Stinson as "an active player"
PREDICTION: Weighing up the pros and cons of Ottawa Fury FC
#9 EMERY WELSHMAN - M
NICKNAME: "Mr. Sauga", "The 905 Kid"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Mississauga Transit
PREDICTION: Will be the first footballer who can literally say that he is "going back to Square One"
#32 ANDREW WIEDEMAN - M
NICKNAME: "(Insert your quip here) of the Modern Era"
SHOCKING FACT*: Is an avid time traveller / hack comedian
PREDICTION: Never forgiving Paul Mariner for the biggest anchor ever put around a footballer’s neck