THE MATCHUP: Payne-ful to watch

The blurst of times?

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO

 

RFK STADIUM - SATURDAY 7PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET 360

 

THE KICKABOUT:

On paper, this fixture looked to be the perfect tonic for the eternally ailing TFC. A visit to that other nation's capital to face D.C. United, a club woefully sliding through the tail-end residuals of life under Kevin Payne. Meanwhile The Reds, now under his apparently steady hand, head... well not upwards... but let's say in a mildly circular motion.

 

The optimism was of course before TFC got news that their best player, Matias Laba, had broken his toe and will miss around six weeks. TFC was slow on delivering this news as they were busy telling us about the "Everything is OK 2014" Family HappyTime BBQ. Who needs playoffs when you have an Interactive Fan Zone and a chance to sell product after all? Little has changed.

 

So, this match - with Kevin Payne's fingerprints all over both sides' undercarriages - ends up as a truly ugly representation of "playing out the stretch". What won't be resolved on the field are growing questions whether the man who left United to join TFC was a wily MLS front office vet snagged by a floundering club crying out for leadership... or, a washed-up executive who had burned his bridges over the Potomac and found the one club desperate enough to hand him a life preserver.

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Payne Identity"

 

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

D.C. UNITED: Dwayne De Rosario, Bill Hamid, Luis Silva

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Jonathan Osario, Maxi Urruti

 

THE ODDS:

- De Ro scoring against TFC: 3-1

- Luis Silva scoring against TFC: 2-1

- Both teams imploding under immense crudulence: EVENS

 

WHO ARE YA?

After many years of attempting to get a new stadium deal done under the leadership of Kevin Payne, it looks like United have finally got their deal in place. Despite Mr. Payne no longer being a member of the club, his efforts will not be forgotten at the new ground. Plans for a way to honour his years of service are being made with United fans being asked to vote on the most appropriate commemoration between these choices:

 

1) A bronze statue of Payne surrounded by children of the world with the words "Get Used To It" carved in Latin at his feet

2) A commissioned oil painting of Payne scouting players by an open fire while Earl Cochrane is snuggled sleepily at his side

3) Friendlies scheduled bi-weekly for the lifespan of the new ground

 

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "PAYNE. NO GAIN."

 

And... since it's Friday and this fixture "Scares Me" in a "Major" way, here's a video likely to be far more entertaining than the usual "General Rubbish"...