We've moved.VocalMinority.ca for further merriment regarding your favourite footballing punchline, Toronto FC.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Friday, December 5, 2014
Honestly, it was supposed to be a five-year plan.
What you are reading now, and have been reading on this blog for about six years, germinated in 2007 when a mish-mash of men you now know as The Yorkies, were thrust together in the middle of BMO Field's South Stand. What started as a gag to group together our likeminded TFC-based malarkey/misery, somehow evolved into this site. What was most surprising is that you lot seemed to dig it too.
Back in June 2009 when we launched into the current site in anger, we thought we'd mostly be writing for each other - an outlet for the frustration and laughs we had leftover in the days after a TFC fixture. The fact that there were more of you out there just like us, delighted us and fuelled our brand of "journalism" further. We're sorry.
In the years since, our little corner of the internet has given so much more back to us than we expected. New friends, both near and far, opportunities to be involved in great debate and conversation, an exciting venture into podcasting on The Vocal Minority Podcast and most importantly (and shockingly) a dedicated readership that we are so grateful for.
It hasn't always been easy to keep this labour of love chugging along at a regular pace. As you all know, supporting TFC is a labour in itself and sometimes things felt a bit like deja vu. Man cannot live on Collin Samuel gags alone you know! However, every time one person would approach us and say "I loved what you wrote" or "that made me laugh so hard" - all the exhaustion washed away. You gave us that and we thank you.
Despite that and with bittersweet feelings, it is time to say goodbye to this little "dogblog" that has somehow been clicked on over 475,000 times. Let's leave on a high - well at least as high as it gets around BMO Field. We aren't moving out of the TFC game... just moving on. Change is good and we won't be quiet for too long. Goofs like us just aren't capable.
Before we go, the two of us (You thought there was a staff of 1000's didn't you?!) want to take the time to say a few words...
Eight years ago, sitting in the dead centre of 113, before Twitter, news sites and blogging was a full TFC thing, a rotating band of guys behind me became my very good friends. By the end of the first season, the idea of starting a passive supporters group was pitched and I was eager to be a part of it and help out. That is where and how I became lumped in with this online fanzine called The Yorkies.
Never ones to take ourselves too seriously, it was a brilliant little forum to run my mouth (and fingers) to. I hope I made your post-match visits to the site, at least, amusing and, at the very least, not a total waste of your time. I’d like to thank Dom and Ro for their work on the foundation of the Yorkies mindset and designs (and sweet scarf!). I’d also like to thank Tony for being the captain of this ship and letting me drive whenever I felt like it. If I’m an attacking midfielder on this club, Tony is the other 10 players and bench - sure I poach a few beauties, but the heavy lifting is by someone else.
Lastly, I’d like to thank you, the readers who’ve tolerated my rants, observations, insights, screw-ups, memes, site-specific jokes, photoshoppings, bogus logos and kits while allowing me to contribute and feel a part of the Yorkies’ donkey show and the greater TFC online community.
- Mark The Yorkie @ignirtoq
And now the other guy…
There really is only one suitable way for me to say goodbye to this site that has occupied huge chunks of my life since 2009. The same way I spent almost every Monday morning with you bunch of maniacs...
THE STARTING 11: Things I need to thank before I say goodbye to The Yorkies
11. The world's worst chip buttys
10. Raivis Hscanovics' hatred of vowels
9. Crew Cat
8. Every friend we made in the South Stands of BMO Field that entertained and inspired us to run home and write something ridiculous
7. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
6. The two other founders of The Yorkies, Dom and Rohan, who helped form this merry band both visually and creatively. This was all of ours.
5. Every punworthy MLS club, player and character that made our gags so excellently cringe worthy
4. Mo Johnston... for everything.
3. My good friend Mark. He may have left you with the feeling I do the heavy lifting but without his tireless work it would have just been me sitting in a room with a typewriter. The graphics, the look, the logos, terrific writing and a very fair share of the gags here come from a great guy I'm lucky enough to laugh my way through some miserable football with.
2. Toronto FC... for never letting the comedy die
1. You, the readers. Thanks so much.
- Tony The Yorkie @theyorkies1812
Keep following us on the Twitter machine and please listen to us on The Vocal Minority Podcast, we do really have some exciting new ventures on the horizon and want you to join us as our journey through the “wonderland” that is TFC continues.
Thanks one last time to every single person, Toronto FC supporter or not, who took the time out of their day to read our words.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Get used to it you cesspool reading vocal minority. You negative Nellys (see what we did there?) need to look on the bright side of life with TFC. Like... it hasn't been 10 years without playoffs... yet. And stuff like that! Yes 2014 may have dropped out of the unzipped Vanney Pack and hit the soon-to-be-Argos turf with a thud, but this season had some tremendous positives as well. Like so...
11. Michael Bradley's optometrist has finally gotten over his fear of staring at another human in the eyes
10. "Yo mama" jokes found new life late in the season
9. Tim Leiweke stopped showing up to fan events in a size "Medium" TFC track suit jacket
8. Projected intra-squad headbutting incidents fell well short of pre-season fears
7. MLSE saved a bunch of money on their car insurance
6. British Airways frequent flier miles are through the roof!
5. Chris Konopka didn't once climb the CN Tower in order to swat at bi-planes
4. We can go to sleep at night with the image of Julio Cesar weeping gently in a tiny towel burned into our minds
3. Zero invisible cheques signed
2. The Reds finally reached their goal of becoming a feeder club to one of Cyprus' top ten clubs
1. Managers were capped at two
Monday, November 3, 2014
Though everyone's favourite TFC fake news outlet was totally invited and even had our press passes FedEx'd over, we couldn't possibly make it due to our prior engagements and all of those other end of season press conferences we had to cover, the outro interviews came and passed with slightly more than a whimper, but a plethora of typical soundbytes. In the spirit of hard hitting journalism (from the back of the room, possibly while donning ski-masks), we give you the questions that we're too difficult to answer... or ask.
11. "Mr. DeRosario, are you SURE this is where and how you want to go out?"
10. "Mr. Bloom, can you say whether Michael Bradley has made an offer for your personal butler/valet services on the condition of Defoe's departure?"
9. "Joe Bendik, any truth to the rumour that you'll be on the undercard for the WWE Royal Rumble in January when you face off against Felipe?"
8. "T-Bez, as a believer in analytics of complex statistics, remind us again how the coaching replacement was the right move? It seems the stats of winning, points and goals for all decreased dramatically right around the start of September."
7. "Doneil, it isn't that fucking APOEL you're going to, is it?"*
6. "Someone mentioned that Luke Moore has been on the panel for the last hour and answered one question out of nowhere. Can anyone confirm this?"
5. "Nick Hagglund, on this line-up sheet, the word defender is crossed out and center forward is written above it. Are you sure you want this?"
4. "Hey Gilberto, with all of the other DPs skipping out for surgeries in their home countries, what secret surgery are you planning to get done back in Brazil?"
3. "Mrs. Defoe, since you can get your son out of here, is there anything you can do for Jackson?"
2. "Hi Greg, would you agree, philosophically speaking, that you can move forward and downward at the same time, yes?"
1. "To the Tims, have you been adding to the Big Book of Toronto FC Excuses and are you planning on selling copies of it to other expansions teams, or are you expecting them to dwarf this clubs accomplishments by their first five seasons?"
* = not a held view, generally indifferent to the Cypriot league
Labels: The Starting 11
Monday, October 27, 2014
The final match of a losing season is often used by football clubs as a chance to try a few different things and give a few youngsters a run-out as a prelude to brighter days. Supporters can often find crumbs of solace in these displays to warm them through the off-season. TFC finished their losing season (8 in a Series of 30) with another thrilling night of VanneyBall (TM) and left the supporters with these great morsels of optimism as we head towards 2015...
7. They probably can't jack up our seat prices.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT - New England v Toronto... or just 90 more minutes until I can forget this mess...
Look at that. Seattle just won the supporters shield. Hard to believe that they've only been in the league for 14 years. It would be embarassing if they had only been around for, say, 6 seasons.
I love the notion of sitting at home and jealously pining over the other clubs in the league. I just want to taste success. Not because being a day-one season ticket holder, but because it's been long enough. Far too long.
Aside from tearing open a wound that has yet to heal, it was nice to see supporters celebrating something other than beating Columbus or pizza for a row.
I'm looking to enjoy this match and the best way to ensure that is to see Lee Nguyen smash a brace, Fagundez bag one, and see Sea-Green Bunbury get sent off for something trivial. And also to see more unnecessary cliches from Vanney. Wouldn't be a tradition without it.
Onto the "match":
9' - Gilberto nearly bags a classic as Oduro crosses one in from out of bounds (gridlines) and scissors one that richochets off the crossbar.
17' - Lovitz takes a cross, marauds into the box and lets a good shot fly, stopped by the keeper. Adventurous. I like.
36' - GOAL - Nguyen bags one on a clear off-side through ball and now the traditional 'red shirts circling the ref' moment of the game. Nice goal, but it shouldn't happen.
EVOLUTION 1, ROBINS 0
60' - YELLOW - Morrow gets booked for something. Probably fair and level headed.
61' - Nguyen is subbed off. No more of that bullshit-MVP-magician crap he's been pulling for the last few months. Surprised the league lets him gets away with it.
62' - SUB - Speaking of magician-crap, lesser wizard Luke Moore comes on for Lovitz.
69' - This near penalty is brought to you by The Caldwell Arms Bar & Grill. This week's special - wings.
71' - SUB - Warner comes on for Creavalle. Good thing you're going for the win and have the goal scorer from last week... you know what? Who cares... #concede
74' - Moore with a nice header, forcing Shuttleworth to push it over his own crossbar
90' - SUB - Oduro comes off for Weideman
2 minutes of extra time and then this shit is over
FULL TIME : NEW ENGLAND 1, TORONTO 0
Player Ratings : Bendik D/C, Bloom D/C, Caldwell D/C, Henry D/C, Morrow D/C, Bekker D/C, Bradley D/C, Warner D/C [Creavalle D/C], Orduro D/C [Weideman 8], Gilberto D/C,, Lovitz D/C [Moore D/C]
* D/C : Don't Care
@ignirtoq is relieved that this season can now have its plug pulled, and can be rid of himself of this team for a season. If time heals all wounds, and talking opens them, it's only a matter of time before someone from TFC says something to remind him how much bullshit he's taken all season
Monday, October 20, 2014
Disclaimer: This article is written on the likely naive assumption that Toronto FC will not completely dissolve the current squad and start all over again. Again.
There really wasn't a reason for us to add to the plethora of TFC vs. Montreal post-mortems that are already out there. It is what it is and that is bad. We fully expected The Reds to torture us further by extending their pathetic "mathematically still in it" pandering a week longer but at least we were spared that. It was obvious a month ago this team was not going to the post-season; so we move on. Again.
Looking to next year is an annual tradition with Toronto FC - we have now heard eight versions of how next year will be different. The lather, rinse, repeat phrase going into Season Nine from our venerable TFC "leadership" seems to be "we have a good solid core group" going forward. Great! That sounds solid and stuff... right?
TFC supporters have been sold many bold promises in the past but is this one any different? Has some kind of long-term foundation actually been set? Judgments like these are of course quite subjective so we can only offer what we feel and with that, we venture to look forward to the near future. Is TFC's "core group" a hard chewy centre or more of a gooey middle? Splitting the team into broad sections, we pop 2015 into our mouth and consider the likely candidates that The Vanney Pack would consider hard-"core".
Little trouble here as Joe Bendik is a solid, if not spectacular, minder. A good shot-stopper on par with most of his peers in MLS. His distribution is still sub-standard at times and his penchant for booting the ball as hard and far as possible needs improvement but in the grand scheme of TFC ills this isn't critical. He won't win you too many matches alone but nor will he lose too many. It is fair to consider Super Pickle Joe as a solid piece... even if he does make nearly the same amount of money now as Stefan Frei.
While this was touted as an area of vast improvement this season, it was also an area that had the most glaring holes when absences exposed its lack of depth. The utterly reliable Justin Morrow (who is this site's club MVP for 2014) is about as close to a "solid MLS" defender as we've seen in Toronto. At 27-years-old, we should hope to see TFC retain Morrow for a few seasons.
In the middle is where things seem far more fragile. You simply cannot underestimate club Captain Steven Caldwell's veteran influence over the young charges around him. His lengthy spell on the injured-list ushered in a period of defensive miscues that helped the club usher Ryan Nelsen out the door. That being said, Caldwell himself had a few nightmare moments this season and his aging body battered by his robust style will probably only be effective for one more season.
Nick Hagglund and Doneil Henry are good, young, raw pieces whose trajectories went on a roller-coaster ride this season. Hagglund seems to have the basic tools and physicality to become a solid MLS defender but needs the mental and tactical seasoning that only experience delivers. Using his amount of minutes played as an indication of readiness is likely a fallacy as it was injuries and shallow depth that forced his usage. A future core member perhaps, however he would not yet be considered as such on most other MLS clubs.
As for Doneil Henry, the big Brampton-native continues his enigmatic path to somewhere. The season started with him looking like the permanent apprentice to Caldwell yet he kept finding ways to stumble in the eyes of his managers. While we are all aware of the knack Henry has for making the wrong decision at the exact moment the spotlight shines on him, the amount of vitriol aimed at him has been misplaced. There remains the prospect of a solid defender there. However, if whispers are to be believed, his future may not be in Toronto FC red whether you believe him to be a piece of the core or not.
The supporting cast of defenders such as Warren Creavalle, Mark Bloom and Ashtone Morgan range anywhere between useful depth and expansion draft fodder. Some great pieces to hang onto for the bench but by no means should they be mistaken for integral members of a club's foundation. This part of the pitch will need considerable reinforcement.
We will mention Michael Bradley first as he is obviously the be-all-and-end-all of what Toronto FC is building around. A dominant force when he is at his best, the American international is obviously the lynchpin for the club. While his play has not been up to his standard for stretches this season, it has to be remembered that he went from a half-season with Roma starting in July 2013, relocating his life to Toronto in January and straight into pre-season followed by a full MLS schedule. Oh, and a World Cup thrown in for good measure. Sorry to fans who just signed up but Michael Bradley is not going to be the DP who "scorz goalz" - he has other duties. Now, to just find a manager who knows how to use him properly.
After Bradley is where things get less certain. Are there truly any other rock-solid core-group midfielders ready to line-up with him? We don't mean the interchangeable pieces that come and go - we mean guys you build a future around. The tough answer for us is "no" with one asterisk in Jonathan Osorio. The young Canadian suffered a very inconsistent year and failed to find the magic of his rookie outing in 2013. Sophomore jinx? Adapting to new faces? All possibilities but there is something there in Osorio worth holding on to. Developing him as the foil to Bradley will be important but 2015 will need to be a far more consistent outing for him or patience will run thin.
The rest of the midfield is about as unbalanced as the formations they are often lined up in. Dwayne De Rosario has sadly reached the point where any kind of use will be minimal IF he returns for another swan song. Dominic Oduro, as he has done at all of his past clubs, has reached the point where the initial excitement has worn off leaving only a track sprinter with funny hair and a concrete boot finish. Collen Warner and Jackson are short-term depth pieces with little in long-term future development outside of blunt force. The remaining options are either very young Academy products or have joined the "TFC Disappeared". Also, Kyle Bekker.
The unbalanced, unfocused and tactically mystifying midfield may be one of the areas on the club where there is the least amount of foundation upon which to build. While there are individual pieces that some MLS clubs would find useful, there are few that any other club would point to as any type of building-block. The service they provided to the next section of players is a testament to that.
There is no third of the pitch at TFC that enters the off-season under a bigger shroud of uncertainty. Ironically it is the main focus of the attack that is most clear in regards to his future. The bloody big deal himself (we too will be happy to stop using that term) - Jermain Defoe - will certainly be departing the only club anywhere that would have paid him such a wage on a secure, four-year deal. Now we could write a whole piece (and likely will) on the descent into petulance and conveniently "nagging injuries" (somehow to be cured right around January 2015) that have marked Defoe's season, but not now. The point of this piece is the overly-celebrated core group for 2015 and Jermain Defoe will be nothing but a regretted personalized souvenir jersey by next season.
Worse news, to many a supporter, is the sudden doubt as to whether or not the other DP striker - the affable Brazilian Gilberto - will be a part of TFC 2015. While Gil struggled to find his scoring touch early in the season, his work rate and engaging personality endeared him to fans. When he started to score, his star briefly shone brighter than his lady-aficionado strike colleague. Unfortunately, a quiet last third of the season and some vaguely explained absences from the line-up have morphed into whispers of a player who has his heart set on playing elsewhere. While it is heavy on speculation - smoke and fire are often close bedfellows at BMO Field.
Whatever the reason for their possible departures and whatever feeling amongst supporters is left in their wake, there is a much bigger problem for TFC than the bad PR it will create. Defoe and Gilberto account for 18 of TFC's league goals. With the entirely unspectacular Luke Moore third on the goalscorer's list with only 6 goals, it is an area where TFC could suddenly find itself with absolutely no one in the way of any kind of core performer. Replacing a massive percentage of the club's goals would be an emergency priority on critical levels and one this club is not prepared for in regards to depth or development.
So, like the proverbial candy, we have sucked our way down to the middle and are left with a bit of a tasteless lump in our mouth. A core group? Vaguely. There are pieces there that you would certainly retain and move forward with into 2015. We have to ask though - how many pieces would you take beyond that?
We have heard many grand statements as previous seasons wound down towards previously unsatisfying conclusions at BMO Field. The current claim that the core here is some kind of tremendously solid group is admittedly going in one ear and out the other. Despite Greg Vanney’s self-help guru media scrum's best efforts, it is hard to be too optimistic about a "core group" until all of the drama that is set to unfold at TFC comes out in the wash. To declare with utter confidence that the current foundation is strong because of three DP's, some youthful potential and an aging captain is about as fragile a claim as the foundation itself.
11. Stadium's "No Smoking" rules completely out the window for one afternoon
10. Proposed "safe standing" sections accelerated by random seat removal in away section
9. Inevitably poor BMO Field weather helps both sets of supporters ignore flying spit
8. They bring their own cheese!
7. High number of flares helps planes land at Toronto Island Airport
6. The GO Train ends up sounding like a classy, double-decker Orient Express
5. Much higher chance of seeing Mitsou
4. The haunting pre-match song "You'll Never Prov-alone"
3. BMO Field demolition costs plummet with assistance from visiting "volunteers"
2. Quebec/Ontario relations are strengthened as thousands of people join together in their mutual disdain for Vancouver Whitecaps
1. Bitchy Le Hawk
Thursday, October 16, 2014
TORONTO VS. MONTREAL
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN 4
"The 401 Derby"
FACTS* AND STATS**
- 2:1: The odds that TFC's post-match will include the words "mathematically", "still", "in" and "it"
- Corners: Where General Managers paint themselves into when refusing to add the word "interim" in front of a late-season coaching hire's title
- Jermain Defoe won't necessarily consider a defeat to Montreal on Saturday as a loss but more gaining a day towards his next emotional reunion. Glass half full.
- In the middle: Where Michael Bradley in most effective and also where he finds himself between Don Garber and Jürgen Klinsmann
- 5-10: Number of players we will probably be seeing in a TFC kit in person for the last time
- "Lots": Just how much Impact would love to end TFC's season
- 30%: Approximate number of seats that will remain intact in the away supporters' section by the final whistle
- Scoffing: The noise that will be heard around the stadium when visiting Montrealers sample BMO Field poutine
- "Still inhumane": Issey Nakajima-Farran's feeling towards TFC
- "Marco Di Vaio": The name that finishes the inevitable TFC supporter sentence "You just knew it would be __________"
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
The long-shot prospect of Toronto FC making the 2014 MLS playoffs represents one glorious opportunity for those that control this club from up high. No, it is not to reward the most beaten-down of all MLS supporters - it is justification.
Already, many fans have come to loathe the four-week "must-win" campaign that has devolved into the "we're still mathematically possible" reality we have today but as annoying as the internal club promotion may be - TFC is still in with a tiny chance. The best-case playoff scenario would see The Reds flail backwards into the fifth spot in the East and a shot in the wildcard "play-in" match. The question is: should we want them to?
The refrain that "anything is possible once you're in the playoffs" isn't completely hollow. There have been a few instances in the past where an unlikely club battles their way deep into the semi-finals or even finals but these are mostly the exception to the rule. For the most part, the cream rises to the top and it would be hard to find too many TFC supporters who would put their money on the line to back the locals in a one-match do-or-die, away to either New York or Sporting KC.
"But why would that be bad?" you may ask. "Don't we deserve a crumb of the post-season?" Yes. We all do… but the problem comes afterwards. The problem becomes how ownership may use that potential future and the most likely answer is again: justification.
Tim Leiweke & Co. made bold statements that the playoffs were the goal this year. No asterisks involved. Nothing about how far in the playoffs they would travel - just the playoffs. TFC's eight-year Valhalla realized. It is not difficult to imagine TFC squeaking into that wildcard match and - even if they re-produce an effort not unlike Saturday night's miserable display at Red Bull Arena - being trumpeted as a successful completion of the stated pre-season goal. Your first-ever post-season TFC! "We gave you what we promised! Now we need to talk..."
A mere appearance in the league's post-season will give MLSE the ammunition to go forward in two ways. On a team level, the so-far greatly underwhelming Greg Vanney and his inexperienced staff who lead a squad rife with imbalance and shallow depth may no longer seem to require an urgent fix. “Surely if this young(ish) squad made fifth this season then better can be achieved with the experience and a transfer window that Vanney has gained” will be the likely refrain. The cracks, and there are more than we'd like to believe, will not necessarily receive the care they require this off-season. However, the real justification that MLSE seeks from a post-season appearance may be more personal to you, the supporter.
After rolling back season ticket prices to 2007 levels and having to then freeze those prices, the owners must be bursting at the seams to put things right in their eyes. Giving you the absolute bare minimum on the pitch so they can squeeze the bare maximum out of your wallet is the trophy that they seek most. On a raft of promotions and slow motion videos of The Reds "historic post season march", your 2015 tickets will undoubtedly reflect this grand "achievement". Leiweke has told fans in the past that they would not ask for a raise until they did what they said they'd do. No matter how brief an appearance - this would be trotted out as proof.
Seeing The Reds in the post-season is nearly a decade-long wish for all supporters. The sweet, unknown experience of the playoffs is such a tempting prospect that it is easy to say we will worry about the future when it happens. Unfortunately that will most likely all happen very quickly. This club is not currently built for a run at the Cup. Does the potential of 90 extra minutes resembling this past Saturday suit the expected reward the club will ask of you in return?
Despite "how close" the current manager likes to tell us this club is to succeeding, it is increasingly difficult to see this. TFC, as is, can't compete on a consistent basis with the better clubs in this league. Without an off-season where the club's feet are held to the fire because of their failures this year, this potential playoff blip could simply usher in another long barren spell.
This club is not yet good enough. There are holes now and more to open up over winter with the imminent departures. Having the club emboldened by the absolute minimum modicum of success - and raising prices to watch it in 2015 - could be a far worse long-term hindrance than missing the playoffs again this year.
Yes, anything can happen in the playoffs. The reality points to TFC's possible appearance producing little more of the same on the pitch followed by an off-season of indifference, reinforced by the corporate jewel of being a "playoff team". Any TFC fan can be forgiven for not caring about that right now just to get a taste of what we have deserved for so long. However, is this incarnation of TFC, one which would be justified in its own mind to pursue the status quo albeit at a much higher expense to you, worth 90 more minutes of your time?
Monday, October 13, 2014
It's that most wonderful time of the year again when Canadians celebrate getting a draw against Turkey in the Great Pumpkin War. Never forget the nutmeg we lost in Istanbul. On this most solemn of days, it is right to give thanks for the things we often take for granted. This "GivingThanksDay" (what a great name for a holiday - we should TM that) is one not overlooked by the players and staff at TFC who are individually giving thanks for:
11. BRIGHT DIKE: the fact he still exists despite TFC's best efforts to disguise his whereabouts
10. JASON BENT: Immortality
9. MARK BLOOM: Coupons from No Frills
8. DANIEL LOVITZ: Shallow depth charts
7. WARREN CREAVALLE: A barber who remembers what Big Daddy Kane looks like
6. BRADLEY ORR: 360 days without headbutting someone
5. JACKSON: 357 days without headbutting someone
4. MICHAEL BRADLEY: The giant pile of money that makes him temporarily forget he was playing for Roma one year ago
3. GREG VANNEY: Making Tim Bezbatchenko believe using the word "interim" was for wimps
2. JERMAIN DEFOE: The generous volume of daily flights from Toronto to London
1. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Having one last chance to remind himself why he left this club in the first place
Thursday, October 9, 2014
NEW YORK VS. TORONTO
RED BULL ARENA - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN 4
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Must-Win Part VII: Cronin's Revenge"
FACTS* AND STATS**
NEW YORK RED BULLS
- This will be the final fixture between New York and Toronto this season (barring playoffs - snort) thus robbing local Toronto fans a reason to wear Thierry Henry kits to TFC matches like that's ok
- Security has been heightened as usual for a night fixture in Harrison, New Jersey as autumn is the natural feeding time for the local C.H.U.D. population
- "Bradley Wright-Phillips is twice as valuable as Jermain Defoe" is a sentence no English columnist ever thought they would have to ponder
- Corporate sponsor Red Bull has made noises about pulling their ownership of the New York club with the names Sexinthe City FC, I'm Walkin' Heerenveen and New York Cosmos Kramer leading in a re-branding competition
- To celebrate Columbus Day weekend, New York Red Bulls plan to "discover" that Toronto FC aren't really very good
- To prove that they are a much better club than the one that lost that infamous 5-0 match at Giants Stadium, TFC have vowed not to lose by more than four goals on Saturday
- Next year, Toronto FC will have two separate trips to New York City with the incoming NYCFC added to the schedule. TFC is seriously looking at signing Jesse Barfield to help address the challenges of playing at Yankee Stadium
- The terms "must win" and "momentum" have officially been replaced at TFC by the terms "mathematically possible" and "still in it"
- Despite rumours, Sam Cronin was not offered to TFC on-loan for one match in order to explain the team’s woes post-match
- To celebrate Thanksgiving Day weekend, Toronto FC plan to thank heavens that this season is nearly over
What the hell was that all about?
Without any scientific data whatsoever to substantiate the following claims, here's the percentage of how the game actually went, in no particular order.
- 42% raining misery with terrible first half "action"
- 27% a lack of luck for Toronto
- 14% luck in favour of Houston
- 9% high-level time wasting by Houston after their red card expulsion of A.J. Cochran
- 3% Defoe being absentee Defoe (missed PK included in equation)
- 2% Hagglund thinking he's a forward now
- 1% quality finishing for Houston's Giles Barnes after Toronto defenders practically escorted them to Bendik's doorstep
To be fair, Vanney made the best substitutions at his disposal (not a compliment to the depth) at the right times. Could have been a little earlier, perhaps, but not going to fault him.
The side played like the shittiest games of Simon where everyone tonight couldn't remember the 4th note in the sequence. Pass, pass, screw-up. Houston were not that good, but Toronto were moreso worse. The first half was bad. The second half was a cavalcade of oh-so-close moments, shortly followed by swearing at someone (read: rather watchable). Good saves, tragic deflections, smacking the woodwork a few times, howler misses; this had it all, complete with the TFC trademark wrapping of mediocrity.
If we have seen the last of Gilberto, then I am genuinely sad to see him go. He's been a workhorse, passionate, and the kind of player any club could adore. Not that this blog has a vote in who stays and who goes (we'd be champions by now!) but he will be missed more than any other bloody big signing Toronto has seen. His absence was alarming, as he was good to go as of the day before and he'd have bagged two (of course, why wouldn't he).
@ignirtoq apologizes for the brevity of the report, but it was too drizzly to write any notes and it's late and it's a school night and he has to go to bed.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: TSN 4
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
FACTS* AND STATS**
- This is Toronto FC's Must Win Match 7 in a series of 9
- "A problem": The last two words of most sad TFC supporter jokes if Dynamo go up by a goal
- "?": The official club line on the status of Bright Dike
- MLSE isn't too concerned with any possible adverse supporter reaction to a loss on Wednesday. Instead, angry fans will be invited to pick up a sledgehammer and take it to BMO Field's East Stand to vent frustrations - and save MLSE hundreds in demolition costs.
- "Witch's Tit": The accurate temperature forecast for a midweek evening fixture at BMO Field in October
"Open": The position most likely to find Brad Davis in vs. Toronto
- "Irony": The grammatical tool used when using the word "dynamic" in relation to either of these two clubs
- With a loss, Dynamo face elimination from the MLS Playoffs. With electrocution, Dynamo faced elimination from The Running Man.
- Houston GK Tally Hall has once again won the prestigious "MLS Player That Most Sounds Like a Wealthy Country Club Billionaire Award"
- 0: Things that rhyme with "orange"
Monday, October 6, 2014
Winter is comin'
He's back! Our l'il lord and saviour Jermain Defoe has returned from the nightmarish hell that was re-habbing a devastatingly injured groin... or something. Whatever. With Canada's apparent Third World medical facilities, Defoe has spent much of the summer back in England doing his best to prepare for a playoff push and #goals... or something. Whatever. Either way, the bloody big deal himself has prodigal-returned to Toronto where he will be happy to luxuriate in the many pleasures he missed while away...
11. Coming home to any of his three houses
10. Playing FIFA15 on his giant screen TV - transferring himself to all of the Premier League clubs
9. Catching up on the hilarious sitcom "The 2014 Toronto Mayoral Election"
8. The generous days off
7. Toronto's thriving multicultural lady community
6. Late-night Skype sessions with Harry Redknapp
5. The top-notch service of his butler Mark Bloom
4. Queen's Park
3. The fine staff in the British Airways First Class Departure Lounge at Pearson International
2. Cozy Scrabble nights at Drake's place
1. How spring turns to summer; summer turns to autumn; and autumn turn into the January Transfer Window
Sunday, October 5, 2014
This is a streak isn't it? I mean, it isn't the most ideal streak, but they've earned 7 from a possible 9 points over the last three games. Doom, gloom, blah blah blah... I know. It's played out. Toronto is only a few bad results away from maintaining the status quo. I think they can make the playoffs! Who's with me? Guys?... guys...
Whatever, Defoe is healthy and will cause a headache for the Los Angeles back four...
ICYMI - The Starting XI: Bendik, Creavalle, Caldwell, Hagglund, Morrow, Osorio, Bekker, Bradley, Lovitz, Moore, Oduro. #TFCLiveUmmm... OK. That was anti-climactic with the whole superstar drama. Certainly he'd be good for the bench?
— Toronto FC (@torontofc) October 5, 2014
Anyways, Los Angeles is crushing everything. Their last loss was a month and a half ago. So Toronto needs everyone to keep their shit together for 90+ minutes. That's plausible enough but is it likely? I have $2 that's telling me 'oh yeah it is'. We'll see.
On to the match...
12' - Juninho has a go from 20 yards out that loops over everyone and catches Bendik out a little too far, but the crossbar bails him out.
22' - GOAL - Zardes sends it on to Robbie Keane who slips it past a lunging Bendik. Tragic.
BECKHAMS 1, ROBINS 0
25' - GOAL - Donovan to De La Garza to Keane who volleys this and holy crap it's gonna be like that tonight, isn't it?
BECKHAMS 2, ROBINS 0
36' - American feed suggested that the conversation between Toledo and Bendik could be time wasting. THEY'RE DOWN BY TWO? WHO WASTES TIME WHEN YOU'RE LOSING? Stupid hacks.
54' - If they gave goals for effort, Toronto would be down by 4.
59' - SUB - Lovitz off for Defoe. I here he likes dealing in blood or something. It's been a while, no.
66' - YELLOW - Osorio got booked. So did Zardes, but I barely care for the bookings Toronto get. Whatever.
68' - Did Oduro just play right back to deny Zardes? Did Oduro ask for directions to go play that far back? Well done sir!
74' - SUB - Moore makes way for DeRo
76' - No hat trick for Keane, as Bendik swatted it out of the air as the Irishman goes for the chip. Well, no hat trick... yet.
79' - SUB - Bekker comes out for Warner
3 minutes of extra time
BECKHAMS 3, ROBINS 0
Full Time : LOS ANGELES 3, TORONTO 0
Man of the Match : Nobody really.
Goat of the Game : Nobody really.
Ref Rating : 5 out of 5. I know. But nothing really happened. Screw it, 3 out of 5 just for the PTSD he's caused.
In Case You PVR'd it : Fast forward to the 20th minute, watch until the end of the half then skip to injury time and you're good.
It's times like this, I feel that Gilberto won't be back. I'm sure he'll be amazing in DC when he'll kill us repeatedly next season... Also, thanks MLS Live for the privilege to watch the paid for stream via a VPN. Glad the decision to give you money was a poor one... When Morrow came off, the first instinct was to check the game stats feed to find out when he was substituted on, but the line-up tweet staggered me to find out he'd been playing all along... this Wild Beer company Indigo Child stout I bought in Bath is really sour and nasty. If you see this and you're curious, just get anything else. If you're really curious, get something you might like then add a shot of vinegar to it... It was such a strong PRO-LINE ticket. Man City won, Liverpool won. How could Toronto losing go so wrong *eye roll*... That Vocal Minority Podcast has been decent the last few weeks. I feel there's going to be rating spike next week as the principle writer of these match reports will be returning... The biggest difference noticed between the three matches I took in on my vacation and every TFC match was that the crowd was watching the match from start to finish and nobody was straggling late getting 2 overpriced beers or filling their instagram accounts. Will miss that the most.
Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Creavalle 6, Caldwell 6.5, Hagglund 6, Morrow 5.5 [DeRo N/A], Osorio 6, Bekker 6 [Warner N/A], Bradley 6.5, Lovitz 6 [Defoe N/A], Moore 6.5, Oduro 7 (just for playing defense)
@ignirtoq is well rested from his vacation. He tried many ciders, and some were super "earthy" and gross. The only stout he had easy access to in pubs was Guinness and he's OK with that.
Friday, October 3, 2014
LOS ANGELES VS. TORONTO
STUBHUB CENTER - SATURDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: TSN 4
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Tonight Show in Bloody Carson"
Listen, every match is a "must-win" for TFC in October but no matter what happens on Saturday night/Sunday morning, The Reds will still be in the playoff chase on Monday. With that, we stop worrying about this potentially ugly fixture and instead thank the retiring LA Galaxy superstar Landon Donovan. No, not for the years of great service to MLS - but for this - our very favourite picture of any North American soccer star. God speed Landon... keep erotically sipping for the stars.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Phase One: "How interesting!" Phase Two: "Look at that roof!" Phase Three: "Say what in the whatnow? Aww nuts." Yes, in the words of a guy who used to work around these parts - "get used to it." BMO Field is being expanded into a 30,000-seat, gleaming Euro-style stadium suitable for an ambitious MLS club with visions of grandeur... and then a CFL team. Enjoy! However, it's not all bad news Toronto FC fans - there are some great hidden features that you may have missed in those architectural diagrams...
11. A touching memorial to real grass
10. High tech attendance counters that only read "SOLD OUT"
9. Luxury Hawk Box
7. Tiger-Cats and Columbus Crew fans now fully interchangeable!
6. New GO Station access that guarantees you only miss your train by 30 seconds every time
5. Plenty of bandwagon parking
4. A monument to the brave, wealthy, fat white men who made this all possible
3. Handy permanent gridiron lines help soccer fans know exactly how many yards it is to goal!
2. Hilarious novelty trophy case
1. Football replaced with football
Saturday, September 27, 2014
On the heels of MLSE's momentous BMO Field expansion announcement earlier this week, we thought we'd treat you dear reader to a glimpse into the future. The future you say? Yes - the future. All the way to the year 2019.
Using science and stuff. Math we guess? Sure... math. We bring you this match report as Toronto Ford Motors FC host Portland Timbers on September 27, 2019 in a crucial match as TFMFC strive for their first ever playoff appearance. To the future action!
TORONTO FORD MOTORS FC VS.
MICHAEL CLEMONS FIELD at FORD PLACE
1' - A blustery day. The canopy over our usual Sokoloff Lawyers Present The South Stand has once again failed to keep the rain out jamming the folding metal benches that make up our removable Tim Hortons' Supporters Family Fun Zone Section. We have been relocated to the East Side Mario's East Side Stand upper level. Not too shabby considering the reasonable $350.00 ticket face price per match.
5' - Slow start for The Reds under new first-time manager Danny Koevermans installed last week after Terry Dunfield's reign came to an end after 5 tumultuous weeks.
12' - Jermain Defoe goes close in his first game back with TFMFC. The 36-year old of course left in 2014 to sign with QPR. After further stints with West Ham, Bournemouth, Portsmouth and Barnet, Defoe returns and claims to be fully committed.
18' - A moment of silence for "Butchy the Hawk" after last week's unfortunate laser incident.
21' - These $18 Becel Presents Chip Buttys aren't too shabby.
25' - Six-year veteran Dominic Oduro tries to run onto a pass but continues to run through the empty Clearasil Completely Clear North Plaza (preserved for CFL end zones) and crashes head first into the Food Building.
31' - A roar of excitement as Mayor Mikey Ford is shown on the scoreboard.
37' - Portland's 30-goal scorer Maxi Urruti looking dangerous.
38' - Portland's 40-goal scorer Gilberto looking dangerous.
44' - Captain Nick Hagglund warned after arguing disallowed goal with Head of MLS Referees Dave Gantar.
45'- Match halted as stadium's primary tenant the Toronto Argonauts run onto field and proceed to give wedgies to the soccer players until they leave the playing area. Match called off and Portland are given the 3 points in default thus eliminating TFMFC from the 30-team MLS Playoffs once again.
TORONTO ARGONAUTS 21
HALIFAX ROUGH RIDERS 27
HALIFAX ROUGH RIDERS 27