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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Laba on loan? Not so fast. Argentine TRADED to Vancouver for nothing

Not your finest hour Tim...
 
Remember yesterday's article when the widely reported Matias Laba loan to Vancouver was reported? Remember the part where we said something along the lines of "well at least he wasn't traded for a bunch of balls"?

Yeah. Notsomuch.

Like vulgar thieves in the night, TFC dropped a big stinking turd this late evening announcing that Matias Laba has not been loaned out for future use but rather traded.

Oh well that's crap. Surely not to a rival?
Think again. Still Vancouver.

Oh.

Well surely we got some great value in return for a DP?
Give your head a shake... "future considerations".
 
Surely we're dreaming this, late on a Wednesday night?
Nope. It's Toronto FC, baby.

So there it is sports fans. After a winter of good deals... the body shot. The dispatching of the most talented player to wear the TFC Red in the past couple of years sent packing to a team we will meet in the Canadian Cup. Where he will score in the 93rd minute to eliminate us. For squat.

Yes "future considerations" is a very grey term but when have you ever heard "hey remember those future considerations? Here's something awesome. Cheers for that!" Never O'clock.

Maybe we're greedy after a number of successful deals this winter but this one will be marked by most - for now - as a big time failure. Yes he couldn't stay under MLS rules, no one is blind to that fact but this seems like the weakest outcome possible apart from releasing him outright.

On the same day when a local Toronto City Councillor was trumpeting BMO Field as the exciting new Argos stadium in the imminent future, this deal added to a strong whiff of #WTFC.




LETTERS FROM CAMP: Put some Philly on it

Dr. Phil?

Pre-season isn't just for players you know. Us hard-hitting investigative journalists/punmonkeys need to get ready for this season as well. So, while our Eff Cee's took on the Union down in Orlando, we decided to multitask and host a Q&A with some of Philadelphia's leading personalities about the upcoming season...

THE YORKIES: There was a brief war of words between the front offices of TFC and Philadelphia Union, do you see this stoking a greater rivalry between the two clubs?
ROCKY BALBOA - EX-HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER: "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"

THE YORKIES: Union have been in a building mode for the last few seasons, has the reason for the lack of silverware been a tactical issue or is there something else holding the club back?
THE FRESH PRINCE - MUSICIAN/TRAVELLER: "Parents just don't understand."

THE YORKIES: TFC have made some major signings this year. Who do you see having the most significant impact in 2014?
HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE - LOCAL STORYTELLER/DOCTOR: "You seeeeee, let me tell you about the soccerrr and the balls in whatchamacallit! The pudding pops! Mmmmmmm!" (Rolled his eyes for 30-40 seconds) "Theoooooo!"

THE YORKIES: Are American fans upset at Michael Bradley signing with Toronto over an American destination?
A CHEESESTEAK - LOCAL SANDWICH/HERO: "Squoooooge, slrrrrrrplop"

THE YORKIES: Do you feel that the 4-4-2 as often played by both TFC and Union is an outdated tactic in the modern football environment?
THE PHILLIE PHANATIC - SPORTS PERSONALITY/GREEN: "HOOOOONK!!!"
THE YORKIES: Care to elaborate?
THE PHILLIE PHANATIC: "Honk. Honk honk. HOOOOONK!"

THE YORKIES: How close do you think Philadelphia and Toronto will be in the Eastern Conference playoff picture?
IVAN DRAGO - INTERNATIONAL SPORTSMAN: "To the end."
THE YORKIES: Interesting. Which club has a better chance?
IVAN DRAGO: "You will lose."
THE YORKIES: Thank you for your time today.
IVAN DRAGO: "I must break you."
THE YORKIES: Oh. I see. We'll be off then.

THE YORKIES: Is there a player we should be looking at to have a breakthrough season with Union in 2014?
MUSHMOUTH - FORMER 'COSBY KIDS' GANG MEMBER/COMMUNITY ACTIVIST: "Hubbudah bubba, hubba wubba. Dubbubbudah.. Also watch out for hubbubbudah."

THE YORKIES: What impact do you think the World Cup break will have on the performance levels and chemistry of MLS clubs this summer?
PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE - SPREAD: "Fllllllrrrrppppthh."

We thank our colleagues in the Philadelphia sporting scene for these illuminating insights.

FINAL: PHILADELPHIA 0 - TORONTO 0


Tuesday, February 25, 2014

LETTERS FROM CAMP: LuluLaba - Reds' DP off to Vancouver Whitecaps on loan

"Me and this giant ball will take care of your boy"

Of all the options available in the Matias Laba 2014 exit strategy, a loan deal within the league wasn't too bad. The fact that it looks as if he is going to a national rival puts a wee bit of a sting into its tail.


According to The Province tonight, The Reds and The Caps have agreed to a loan deal under the new MLS intraleague loan rule that will see the midfield maestro spend the year at BC Place. Whether or not he would be allowed to play against TFC (especially in Canadian Championship matches) is so far unclear. In most parts of the world, a player on loan rarely faces his parent club... but this is MLS so who the eff knows?

Having Laba come back and bite TFC's asses in 2014 would suck. Seeing The Caps, who TFC have built a nice rivalry with, succeed with Laba would suck. Losing Laba permanently would have sucked so much harder.

Under a loan agreement, Laba will presumably return to TFC in 2015 and no longer fall under the DP category. In other words, a year of seasoning under a pretty good ex-defensive mid in the form of Caps' manager Carl Robinson then back as a part of a midfield that will feature a young core of Michael Bradley, Jonathan Osorio and himself.

It would have been a touch nicer if he could have been loaned to a Chivas or San Jose, deep in the west where we rarely see them, but it is what it is. Between the choice of Laba being sold back to South America, traded within MLS for some crappy draft and allocation stupidity or spending one year sleeping with our yoga pants-wearing neighbour - we'll take it.

See you in a year Matias... pretend you're injured when Vancouver play TFC please.




LETTERS FROM CAMP: M-Emerys

Welshman game action photo. Rare. Mint condition.

Unsurprising news news: Toronto FC have parted ways with former first-round pick and local lad Emery Welshman. A non-descript ending for an underwhelming year in TFC red.

Drafted 16th overall by Kevin Payne & Co. just over a year ago, Welshman was part of the "905 Combo Platter" with Kyle Bekker that saw hopes of a "Made in Toronto" future at TFC peak. The fly in the ointment was that Welshman had no real business being drafted that high and was never at the level of MLS-ready. The jury on Bekker is only slightly still out.

It was a feel-good story on paper but as with many things in TFC history, it was sizzle over steak. The now 22-year old forward was trumpeted due to his proximity to the GO Train rather than what he could honestly bring to TFC.

It is a shame as Welshman was very excited to be a member of his hometown club but Ryan Nelsen obviously has no place for him now or in the future. With a glaring depth issue at striker after Bright Dike's injury and four loan slots available at Wilmington, The Reds see no long-term value in trying to develop the player. If he was Emery Welshman from Ohio, no one would bat an eyelash.


Monday, February 24, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC Disney films

The De Rosario and Hscanovics of underwater cheque signings
 
If you can't beat em', join 'em. If you can only manage a draw, hell why not join 'em as well. It seems as if options for MLS springtime friendlies are a choice between a trip to Disney World or playing Russian Roulette with sunstroke in Arizona. To be fair, sunstroke has shorter lines and less kids. Regardless, TFC now use the mecca of family entertainment and the Disney "Classic" as their annual tune-up which has given them some ideas. Hot off the heels of their "All For One" show, The Reds are ready to challenge Disney for the cinema dollar with these adorable titles...

11. "Finding DeRo"


10. "Who Framed Aron Winter?"

9. "Frozen: Opening Day at BMO Field"

8. "Defoe's Night & The Seven WAGS"

7. "Swiss Family Carl Robinson"

6. "Bitchy and The Tramp"

5. "Alice In Wiederman"

4. "Honey, I Blew My ACL"

3. "Operation Argo Drop"

2. "101 Transactions"

1. "PiMocchio"


Saturday, February 22, 2014

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Don't get Goofy

 
Yes it all had a familiar look. Yes it all ended in a familiar way. However, let's only start panicking if we get to May and the likes of Andrew Wiedeman, Reggie Lambe and a handful of youngsters are in the starting eleven. Until then, this match is about as important as the following fixture...



ORLANDO CITY 1 - TORONTO FC 1

If TFC looks this way in two months time then you have full permission to act as Goofy as needed.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Crew vs. Latvia


It's a funny thing living in Canada and not really being all that much of an iced hockey fan. Attitudes toward my kind range from social pariah, to traitor to the nation and on to suspiciously extraterrestrial. But it's true and it’s what sees me as one of seven Canadian citizens ignoring Canada vs Latvia in Sochi and opting for TFC v Columbus Crew at the Mickey Mouse Tournament in Orlando. On the internet. Via Twitter mostly due to dodgy streams.

I lead a rich, full life.

So here it is, a friendly versus our "bitter rivals* (*closer to butter rivals) as gleaned from crap read off of social media...

COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO - Space Mountain, Orlando Florida

1' - Brazilian DP Gilberto leading a strong TFC line-up from up top. Crew line-up is assumed to be wearing yellow.
5' - Michael Bradley passed to the Canadian women's bobsled team for a Gold Medal
10' - GOAL: Columbus - Federico Higauin from a free kick. The end is nigh.
COLUMBUS 1 - TORONTO 0
12' - GOAL: Columbus - Josh Williams from a corner. The end nigher. #NelsenOut #SpringtimeForSatire
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 0
14' - GOAL: Toronto - Own Goal. Sport Goofy maybe? Sure. Slightly less nigh.
COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1
20' - Someone on Twitter's sister made thousands working from home. I should ask her how.
25' - Free @TOMayorFrod
35' - De Ro has done little to help Canada beat Latvia
40' - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE PUPPY IN A HAT]

HALFTIME: COLUMBUS 2 - TORONTO 1

45' - 2nd Half underway. A game of two halves? One for the neutrals? Givin' it 110%? All the clich├ęs are up for grabs in Orlando!
47' - SUBS: Agbossoumonde and Wiedeman in for Caldwell and Gilberto. Tactically speaking this move is indicative of... oh who are we kidding? Wet Wiedeman gag. That's better. No more subs talk.
48' - Mighty Latvians have been brought down to Earth by plucky underdog Canadians! That one was to up my street cred. Was that good guys?
55' - FACT: Neither Arsenal nor Bayern Munich have won the Disney Soccer Classic.
61' - GOAL: COLUMBUS - Something named Adam Bedell puts TFC to the sword. Serious nigh action.
COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1
65' - [RANDOM RIGHT-WING AMERICAN POLITICAL RETWEET FROM PERSON YOU DON'T REMEMBER FOLLOWING] 70' - "Hilarious" tweets highlighting that "TFC spent $100 Million on this?" never getting old.
75' - Football men kicking footballs.
80' - What if they made ski jumping into a thing where there are two hills facing each other and the first jumper to the middle wins?
89' - What am I doing with my life?
90' - #Nigh
90'+ - [PICTURE OF AN ADORABLE CAT HUGGING A MONKEY]

COLUMBUS 3 - TORONTO 1

Monday, February 17, 2014

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Bright season dimmed


All you have to do is look at any MLS website comments section to realize how extra crappy this story is. Often the den of sarcastic, caustic keyboard warriors who gleefully roll around in a rival club's muck, the vast majority of commenters are sharing sympathy over a good guy's bad news.

It started with this tweet:


The story to emerge later this evening (yet to be officially confirmed by TFC) is that Reds' forward Bright Dike has suffered a torn Achilles tendon. The severe injury will likely wipe out Dike's entire MLS season and sadly ends his very real opportunity to go to this summer's World Cup as a member of the Nigerian squad.

This is Dike's second major leg injury in two-and-a-half-years and despite his robust physicality, may prove to be a tough road back to the pitch at any high-level. The blow is best summed up by the affable striker's five words above.

While good wishes are with Dike from across the league tonight, it won't be long before TFC will have to look at their depth chart. Dike was easily going to be the first-choice off of the bench behind Jermain Defoe and Gilberto but that role currently only sees Andrew Wiedeman as a choice. That is a choice no club with hopes of a successful season wants.

Whether The Reds opt for another loan or can swing a deal within the league, the club will likely have a new face on board in the near future. Sadly, it is a move that will be done with heavy hearts.

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC spend the long weekend

From our family to yours...

Family Day. The ancient Mesopotamian holiday where Canadians (Some, not all. Suck it New Brunswick) are forced to choose a member of their family to give up for Lent. Or something along those lines. Either way... DAY OFF! Even though they may not work the human drudgery that is 9-to-5 living, professional footballers enjoy themselves a long weekend as well. Before getting back into full pre-season mode, members of TFC get to spend one more day doing whatever they like...

11. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Dramatically air-signing giant invisible "Happy Family Day" cards

10. DONEIL HENRY: Getting ready for the season by inviting angry Scottish people to come over and tell him where to stand in raised voices

9. BITCHY THE HAWK: Spending a quiet day at home with husband "Bastard the Eagle"

8. EMERY WELSHMAN: Finishing the book "101 Things to Do in Wilmington"

7. MICHAEL BRADLEY: Lather, Shave, Rinse, Repeat

6. JOE BENDIK: Working on his "I'm super cool with Julio Cesar being here" smile. Failing.

5. JERMAIN DEFOE: Going through box 8/207 of Toronto-area WAG applications for the month of April

4. REGGIE LAMBE: Desperately trying to convince Drake that he really does play for TFC

3. BRADLEY ORR: Getting to know the City of Toronto. Headbutting local landmarks.

2. MATIAS LABA: Spending it on loan. CORRECTION: Spending it alone

1. TIM LEIWEKE: Crank-calling the Philadelphia Union GM, telling him that "my weekend is way longer than yours". Hanging up in fit of giggles.


Friday, February 14, 2014

Smooth all over! TFC opts for the Brazilian # 1

Happy dance!
 
Seven years is long for any relationship. It feels even longer when it’s filled with turmoil and strife. But then you wake up on this most romantic of days, pull back the sheets and realize you got a surprise. Your love got a Brazilian for you!

That's right you little maniacs, TFC went to Uncle Harry's Erotic Goalkeeper shop in West London and rented themselves a fancy new goalkeeper in the form of Brazilian # 1 Julio Cesar. As reported... well everywhere... last week, the 34-year old Cesar joins The Reds on loan from Queens Park Rangers. But this is where it got extra smooth.

The widely held opinion was that his loan period would last until the World Cup. Notsofast. During today's press conference it was announced that Cesar will actually spend the entire MLS season on loan here (we assume barring QPR selling him in the summer). Keg Size Cesar!

Last season's TFC # 1 Joe Bendik is saying all the right things about learning under a world-class keeper and here's hoping his communication and distribution trick bags are complimented by a season under Cesar's reign. A long-term, post-2014 contract for Cesar and TFC may not be on the horizon but either way this deal puts the exclamation mark on the off-season of bloody big deals.


 

Red Hot Reds' Supporters' Romance Quiz

"You had me at foot"

"BMO Field is for Lovers"… said no t-shirt ever. Despite that, today is the day to stop fretting over Matias Laba’s next move and ponder upon that special person in your life. And no - we don't mean Julio Cesar. It's Valentine's Day - the day to celebrate all things amour... because French stuff always goes swimmingly at TFC. Put your MLS aside for a day and set your tactics to "4-4-Lurve".
 
In the spirit of getting your raging heart on, please take the time to fill out the 2014 "Red Hot Reds' Supporter Romance Quiz". It is the most scientifically proven* (* not any form of science known to humans) Major League Soccer/Romance test since the infamous "Tampa Bay Mutiny Presents: Is Your Wife Cheating on You" quiz of 1997. So before you sit your spouse/partner/hired "friend" down to an evening of microwaved tin pasta and a 90 minute snuggle in front of your 1991 FA Cup Semi-Final DVD... answer these February 14 questions to see just how red hot a Red you are.
 
HOW TO SCORE: 1 Point for every A; 2 Points for every B; 3 points for every C; and 4 points for every D
 
1. If you were buying your partner a sexy item of clothing, what would it be?
A) Workout gear B) A pair of sexy heels C) Some red undergarments D) A rare 2007 Adam Braz kit
 
2. How long do you wait before trying to bed a new partner?
A) After 4 or 5 friendly dates B) Try to seduce them on the 2nd date C) Nothing like a one-night stand! D) I have a 5 Year Plan
 
3. How do you first get to know a partner?
A) Exchange some pleasant e-mails B) Meet up for a coffee C) A few flirty texts D) An online dating profile that says "Get Used To It"
 
4. Who most inspires you to be romantic?
A) Poets B) Painters C) Musicians D) Joe Cannon
 
5. If you were making a romantic meal, what would be your specialty?
A) A warm soup B) A pasta dish C) Red Velvet Cake D) Chip Butty
 
6. If you were to put some drinks on ice for the evening, what would you serve?
A) Some sparkling mineral water B) Champagne C) An expensive red wine D) $11 Dollar pint of Carlsberg in a plastic cup
 
7. What term do you use for "love-making"?
A) "A friendly" B) "Getting lucky" C) "Scoring" D) "Drilling one into the box"
 
8. How would you best describe your technique in bed?
A) "Sweet and tender" B) "Confident and assured" C) "Erotic and adventurous" D) "Like a Doneil Henry tackle from behind"
 
9. If you could get your significant other to "dress up" for you, what costume would you choose?
A) French maid B) Hot cop C) The "Scotts' Turf Girl" D) Bitchy the Hawk
 
10. What is your favourite position?
A) Spooning B) Classic missionary C) Something from the Kama Sutra D) Defensive Midfielder
 
11. What taboo experience do you most crave?
A) A night in a pleasant Columbus, Ohio hotel B) A very public adventure C) Hooking up with a complete stranger D) Having two guys named Tim show up
 
12. What name would you like to be called in bed?
A) "Sweetheart" B) "Stud" C) "The best lover in the modern era" D) "A Bloody Big Deal"
 
13. If you could choose a fantasy name for yourself - what would it be?
A) Mr. Right B) The Designated Player C) Kevin Pain D) Commissioner Dong Grabber
 
14. What do you find most physically attractive on your partner?
A) Their smile B) Their hair C) Their eyes D) Their South End
 
HOW DID YOU DO?
If you scored:
 
14-20 points - you are a TRIALIST: You've got a long way to go before you're ready for the big-time. Time to put down FIFA 14 and meet a real girl - watching the Canadian Women's team doesn't count as a date.
 
21-34 points - you are in the ACADEMY: You've got some potential but there are lots like you out there. Work on your romance or end up in a USL-type relationship... or alone with your own Rochester Raging Rhino.
 
35-48 points - you are on the FIRST TEAM: You are definitely a Major Leaguer in the old football shorts department. However, there is still room for improvement so don't get too cocky. No one wants a Mista in their bed.

49 points and higher - you are a DP: No not that kind of DP (you commendable perv) - the MLS kind! You are on top of your game and could have the pick of the litter at BMO Field. You've got the physique of a Dichio, the charm of a Ricketts, the accent of Laurent Robert and the animal magnetism of a Raivis Hscanovics. Reds' lovin' ladies would love some of your support! "Up The Reds!" At least until Jermain Defoe arrives and steals all of our ladies.


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Media is the message

"Happy" to answer all of your questions...

Lights! Camera! Naptime!
 
Perhaps it is a sign of a more mature club with bigger things on its mind than promo (surely not, MLSE!) but today's TFC Get Along Gang session with the media was little on news and high on meh. But that's fine. We've had it up the ying-yang in years past where the media day was one of the season's highlights. A vast majority of TFC supporters welcome their news on the pitch in 2014 rather than off.

A few "highlights" from the talking heads today. Not the band. That would have been awesome...

- Before the proceedings got underway, news travelled north from Brazil where Brazilian national coach Felipe Scolari "confirmed" that Julio Cesar would indeed be joining your Eff Cee's on loan. Former TFC fatty boom-boom Collin Samuel was heard muttering "... shit just got real"
- Joe Bendik showed a bit of frustration over the unofficial signing but reiterated his will to hone his craft under the experienced international Cesar. He also looked a bit like Mortal Kombat's "Sub Zero" in his flashy new keeper's kit. Finish him.
- Steven Caldwell believes that TFC look to be one of the best clubs in MLS.
- The Scottish also believe that a deep-fried cheeseburger is best washed down with Irn-Bru
- Kyle Bekker says "nothing less than the playoffs" acceptable this year. No word if that meant the Wilmington Hammerheads making the playoffs
- Chris Konopka is a big dude. Like mountain man big.
- 3 out of 4 dentists agree: TFC should give it 110% every match
- On closer inspection, the new goalkeeper kits are double blue. Hmm... Double blue - where have we seen that before... whaaaaaaaaa???!!!
- Doneil Henry looks like he's hit the gym this year. Plans to look like a fit giraffe running with the ball going swimmingly. Then he said some silly stuff about "liking" Rob Ford so next season maybe read a newspaper in the off-season kid.
- Good to hear that it will still be a "game of two halves" this year and there will still be the odd "good match for the neutrals"
- After a day of Julio Cesar talk, Ryan Nelsen won't confirm the signing but adds "it would be nice"
- New Zealanders also thought the song "How Bizarre" was nice.
- The head coach says that nothing has yet been decided on the status of Matias Laba nor who will be loaned down to Wilmington this year. Emery Welshman reportedly heard to say "Can we just get this over with?"
- Tim Bezbatchenko dropped some mad phat nerd rhymez such as "We're very comfortable where we are in relation to other teams right now" and "we're trying to treat our players a little different than in the past". Anselmi... you got served.
- The team plans a revolutionary tactic where "everyone plays for the badge"
- Tim Leiweke was reportedly busy photocopying his ass and faxing copies to the Philadelphia Union front office.

And... Since it was a quiet day at the microphone factory, here are 8 questions for our 8th season that frustratingly went unanswered today...

- Is Reggie Lambe an actual thing or is this a Just For Laughs Gag gone horribly wrong?
- How is the team reacting to reports that spitting full mouths of scolding tea is the latest craze on Toronto middle school playgrounds since the emergence of the Jermain Defoe commercials? Did they not think of the children?
- Is Pinball Clemons on trial with the club?
- Is it true that the fifth Olympic ring didn't open at the Sochi opening ceremonies because ex-TFC defender Maxim Usanov had punched it before the show?
- RANDOM STUPID HOCKEY ANALOGY BECAUSE THIS IS THE CANADA?
- Who does Bradley Orr plan to headbutt first?
- Do you guys crank call Kevin Payne and ask if his fridge is running?
- Is Toronto ready for this jelly?



Monday, February 10, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Potential Miami club names

The 2015 Miami home and away kit

In Don Garber's quest to expand Major League Soccer to 84 clubs by 2019, the Commissioner looked to David Beckham then looked south. No, not at Beckham's southern regions (pervs) but at America's dangly bits... Southern Florida. Hot on the heels of Miami Fusion FC, MLS hopes that with the harnessed star power of international tight undergarment pioneer Beckham, the league can finally crack the South Beach nut. The club has been awarded, the stadium is being negotiated and the Spice Girls are warming up for the anthems. Now... what to name the club?

11. Becka Juniors

10. Olympique LeBron

9. Futbol Club Pour Homme by David Beckham

8. FC Shakhtar Dexter

7. Flamingo

6. Brooklyn, Romeo & Cruz Azul

5. Nipoli

4. Old Man Chest Hair United

3. Victoria Beckham and The Miami Sound Machine

2. H&M Young Boys

1. OGC Vice

Friday, February 7, 2014

THE WORD: TFC to hail Cesar

"Oh hey there big boy..."

There was a classic LeiwekeLeaks moment yesterday when MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke told a private audience (some of whom had heard of Twitter and shockingly had phones) that TFC was looking at bringing in a "top 10" goalkeeper on loan. Best guesses at the likes of a Jack Butland etc. were met with a big "meh" by supporters. This morning that changed.
 
Reports on both sides of the Atlantic and even in that weird South Atlantic (what gives South Atlantic?) is that Brazilian # 1 keeper and current property of Queens Park Rangers, Julio Cesar, is headed to TFC on loan. On the surface, the reported deal is a short-term loan which would give the 34-year old Cesar a chance to get some match fitness before the World Cup - something not available to him at QPR right now. Anything beyond that would have to come down to some MLS salary funky bizniss.
 
There is a wee bit of hand-wringing in TFC circles that this move could upset the goalkeeping applecart at the club. With Stefan Frei jettisoned to Seattle, seemingly in favour of Joe Bendik, could the incumbent’s nose be put out of joint if he doesn't get to start until July? Possibly, but make no mistake, Julio Cesar is a major upgrade over Bendik who has a lot of learning to do before being considered anywhere near a top MLS keeper. A chance to train under an international with long stints at Flamengo and Inter Milan under his belt should be seen as a blessing. Et tu Bendik?
 
With Ryan Nelsen's QPR connection and TFC's sudden influence in London, this deal could be announced very soon. Whether Cesar's reign in Toronto is long or short, it definitely adds another interesting story to an already dramatic 2014. Will he come, see and conquer? Time will tell but it could be a lot of fun.
 

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Elmer packs a trunk

TFC's virulent Anti-Swiss campaign continued today as the club announced it had cruelly cut ties with superstar defender Jonas Elmer. Supporters were outraged at the news that sees a club legend dispatched so unceremoniously. How the club possibly attempts to fill the valuable minutes Elmer brought to the backline is anyone's guess.
 
Switzerland has three official languages:
Satire: satire (French) / satire (German) / satira (Italian)

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Stephen King's "Preseason"

"Florida!"

Writing match reports from the first pre-season friendly is not our usual bag but hey, big bloodied eels and all that right? Your very special edition Eff Cee's (still not avec Jermain Defoe) started the pre-season in style against divisional rivals D.C. United.

At least we think so.

For those of you who may not be as nuts as some TFC supporters, watching this match was a foggy impossibility. Here, without Vincent Price's play-by-play is the match re-cap via the internet machine...

FIRST HALF:
 
HALFTIME: D.C. UNITED 0 - TORONTO FC 0 

SECOND HALF:
 
85': GOAL: Toronto - Bright Dike. Possibly. Or a fog monster.

FULL TIME: D.C. UNITED 0 - TORONTO FC 1


Monday, February 3, 2014

THE STARTING 11: Things that Toronto FC supporters gain from 'Argos To BMO'

"You'll never know we're here sakker fans..."

2014 marks the seventh year of us writing about Toronto FC/Mo Johnston-baiting on this here site. Not one year has gone by without us getting our knickers in a twist about the potential move of the Toronto Argonauts PointyEgg Club packing their nomadic hobo sack and landing in "Our House", BMO Field.

Well, as is all too obvious now under the stewardship of MLSE prez Tim Leiweke - the move is on. Set eyeballs to stun as the amazing architectural plans will be tailored to tickle your manbits and/or ladybits into submission. 20% of them will come to fruition. To dispel the rumour that we are completely negative about this eventuality (We are. Get used to it.) we put together one of our trademarked Starting 11's to list all the advantages that you, the loyal TFC supporter, will gain from this huckster's scheme to pave the NFL's journey to Toronto benevolent gift to us.

11.

10.

9.

8.

7. A roof during inclement weather.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

 
And... Since "BMO Field 2: Pinball Clemons Boogaloo" will need a chant befitting the pitch for TFC matches...